If you’ve been following me much for the past four years, you probably know I’m all about running towards the things that scare you, and this one is terrifyingly beautiful.
Here goes.
Fear and shame are such a powerful and dangerous combination, and they’ve been given quite the platform as of late. From our politics to our pulpits, I’ve never been more sure that this is necessary. Brene Brown says “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” This is my bit of truth, my bit of light.
If you haven’t noticed lately, I’ve chosen to be happy, black, and queer and hold tight to my faith.
How political that choice is.
In the end, it wasn’t a person, a teaching, or my emotions which convinced me it was possible to be queer and Christian,
It was Holy Spirit, present, living, breathing, speaking.
I’ve been afraid of this moment for as long as I can remember - I still am, but I am no longer ashamed. I can't quite pinpoint when this happened, I think it was slowly at first, and then all at once, but life became so much more fulfilling when I realized you should never feel like you have to convince someone to love you.
With that in mind, today I’m walking in the fullness of God, of love and hope for myself and the world. I am unashamed, unrestrained, and fully in love with Jesus. More in love with Him than I’ve ever been. And this is just the beginning of my story. I am brave. I am fearless. I am His. I have found myself, and learned to love who that is.
This might get messy. But it will forever be me.
This is my journey - my, “Send me!” response to the call, “Who will go for us?”.
So I will go. I will continue to develop safe, faith positive spaces for people navigating LGBT experiences within and outside of the church. I will be complicit no longer in a homophobic culture which creates the perfect storm that breeds suicide, homelessness and hopelessness in LGBT youth. I will continue to dance with Jesus across lines that divide and challenge the falsification that LGBT people need permission to exist as they are, and those like me will dispel the notion that it is a responsibility or right of any institution to silence, dispose of, or marginalize them.
I spent last week at #GCNconf where I was a featured poet in the company of 1500 other LGBT Christians and allies, most of whom had stories like mine. My friends and I had breakfast with the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal church, and it changed my life.
It never occurred to me until that moment what I was denying others by not giving voice to my experience and a face to my story until I looked at him and felt permission to become. I’m done robbing those who will come after me of that visibility.
If you are one of those young people reading this, know you can talk to me anytime. Know that the gospel is good news for you too! You are not the exception. You are celebrated as you are. You were spoken into *being*. You do not have to live in repentance of existing. Whether in your pursuit of shalom, your conviction leads you to choose to pursue a relationship or feel a call to celibacy, I promise, you are loved radically because of who you are.
Your identity is not a consolation prize.
There is hope on this side of heaven.
There is hope here for you.
And just like that, the fear that gripped my very being is gone, and all that remains in the absence of the specter is the embrace of perfect love. Its taken a while, but I’ve found my happy and if today seems dim, know that the future will be bright - wait and see.
It gets better. I love you.